it was happening again. his footsteps became softer and quieter until they made no sound. he looked back to see his shoes set in place and a pile of his clothes crumpled lifelessly on the grassy knoll. “i knew this would happen.” his pace quickened and he thrashed through the reeds at the edge of the lake. “they’ve left, and it will be months until they return. months like this..” he moaned. his movements were wild; the waters under his feet deigned not even a ripple as he passed over them. where the winds gathered near its surface, they rushed back and towards the running boy as if making him their own, showing that his substance, or lack thereof, could now present no obstacle to their strength. every inch of his body was filled with the chill, piercing limbs of the raging winds that charged through him. 

you don’t know a vice until it’s yours.

i just got home from my first night on the job, scrubbing and buffing the floors at menards aisle after aisle. it’s so nice to be working again and beginning the process of chipping away at my debt. my manager is also a blessing.
phil got a new dog today; his name is pico, short for picante. he looks like an irish setter to me. his hair is long and red, and honestly, he’s too cute to be male. his soft head is resting on my foot right now.
tomorrow completes a week of sober time. i’m indescribably encouraged and grateful for everyone’s prayers and love. 

my flesh and my heart may fail, but god is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
psalms 73.26 

i never write what i’ve done, but i delight in the moments so. whether it’s adderall, vicodin, xanex, hydrocodone, alchohol or weed, i pile them up every time and they make, for me, good nights.

i do miss adventure. i haven’t had much of that lately. soon, when i meet my friend, joe, we can go out and have a time to ourselves. that will make me happy to no end, aside from the drugs. even cocaine, for that matter, only makes you feel like you’re in love. there is a way to live this life. i’m pulling from every side. 

“you haven’t dreamed. you haven’t dreamed like i have,” he said with glee, his head tilted towards the stars.

i waste spend a lot of time on my tumblr dashboard and facebook profile.

sometimes friendship can run dry
soft green blades had rushed up
against the brook that flowed
so deep and familiar,
and the spots where you lay in character and mirth,
withered.
you turn to the earth,
memories replaced with cracks and dust,
you feel angry and confused. 
should its absence erase the pleasure of the past?
never.
thankful even then
for the life you found there.
you’ll need a drink, yes,
you will explore, indeed,
but remember that brook and come back all the more
for when the water returns.

a tailspin.

i helped out at the shelter today and it was wonderful. i didn’t spend any time with the cats… yet, but the dogs were a sight for sore eyes.
things are looking up; y’all were right.
i just want to thank all of my followers who wrote notes of encouragement on my last journal entry. your voices speak right to my heart. 

there’s nothing like the memory of love to bring you into love again.

“i just passed the chatahoochie,
it’s placid surface lays sleeping, like you,
plunging yourself deeper into cool waters,
with dreams like currents carrying you deeper into my heart.”

another day, another light. another sad story and comfort for my head. another day. waiting. living, almost like it’s not.