before you can change for the eyes of another, you must become to yourself that which you desire.

i spend all of my free time doing the same things in repeat, with less and less success and constantly more confusion. like an anemic worm in a hardened shell, unable to break free from the trap of its own weakness. as i see it, the only way out is to continue with light steps along the strange and nonsensical way that i’ve chosen, and hope that the invisible weight of faith will tip the balance.

you don’t know a vice until it’s yours.

“subtle. i know how to spell that, s u b tle.
 am i subtle?”  
he frowned and rested the bowl against his beard.
“not subtle. supple.”
i leaned over and rested my head, curles awry, into my hands. i took the bowl and sucked. “i guess i’d always thought i was because i liked the word.” i said to myself.

i mentally thrash myself against the truth in efforts to beat out my faults. it works. i feel clean. pure.

almostwhole:

i’d like to be a writer, but my words don’t come out right.

(Source: yourveryexistence)

it is often more difficult in given situations to forgive than to take the blame.

i dream of amy.

“it’s a safe and, more importantly, drug-free way to reduce pain.”
i see they care more about avoiding drugs than being safe. it’s no wonder with our pharmaceutical empire; take drugs, just take the right ones.

i recently watched a movie, rabbit hole, that helped me learn one of the most important lessons i’ve come across. i think of it like this, though the analogy is archaic: the subtle changes made by an artist with his tool and the fact that when the hundreds of these minute additions and changes are made they, in their whole, become something far more visually breathtaking than a work done by a few strokes are, to me, an impression of my life as i see it from the limited perspective from which i stand. another story, breathing lessons, taught me the tedium of this process. both the narratives gave me a marked understanding of how long it takes to make a real change in life; a beautiful change, even longer. my idealistic mindset often looks for explanations and results in black and white, in imperfect and perfect, not a graded linear plane with indefinitely measured points of reference, or, grey areas. in breathing lessons, the characters move through the same cycles with destructive ends, everyone keeping the same behaviors and attitudes, their choices unchanging in a bothersome and frightening revolution. rabbit hole was comparatively calming in that i saw the characters’ weak and difficult choices, though ebbing and flowing through steps of recovery with implied ventures toward the worse, cause satisfying changes to emerge in their picture. in short, i learned that people fail and life repeats itself, but, unlike the last chapter in breathing lessons, life will yield to the small and summoned good-hearted attempts made by not-so-perfect people.

phil’s cat, sophia;
i think she loves me,
because i love her when there are things
others would  judge her for.
i can almost hear her thoughts
she sits beside me, her furry arms resting on mine and
her warm purr, like the hum of the earth,
reassures me that she’s listening,
while i tell my friend how incredibly wonderful she is
and how glad i am to have her.