tomorrow will be kinder,
and yesterday fades
in such a pleasant way. 

the deadliest enemy can often times seem like your closest friend.

“have you slept?
don’t do anything until you’ve slept.
don’t think anything until you’ve slept.”

well, my father has officially moved to africa.

day 12 ۞ how you found out about tumblr and why you made one.

i found out about tumblr through my friend, mckenzie. i decided to switch over from blogger because of tumblr’s ease of layout configuration (not to mention its well designed default layouts), and its overall user friendliness. also, its early invention of connecting with facebook gave it a head start against wordpress, a website that remains, to me, a little obsure.

sometimes friendship can run dry
soft green blades had rushed up
against the brook that flowed
so deep and familiar,
and the spots where you lay in character and mirth,
withered.
you turn to the earth,
memories replaced with cracks and dust,
you feel angry and confused. 
should its absence erase the pleasure of the past?
never.
thankful even then
for the life you found there.
you’ll need a drink, yes,
you will explore, indeed,
but remember that brook and come back all the more
for when the water returns.

“i would be cured, if i could simply make it through the storm.”

do you ever get stuck
stuck in a tandem
it goes around,
changing orders
but nothing is really different
nothing at all. 

day 17 ۞ turn-on’s, turn-off’s, and fetishes

turn-on’s:
finding a connection. establishing goals and experiencing new things together.

turn-off’s:
inability to connect.

fetishes:
scent. 

day 15 ۞ fears, weaknesses, and strengths.


fears:
1. marrying and being unfaithful or realizing that i made the wrong choice.
2. heights.
3. losing my mother.

weaknesses:
1. drugs.
2. beauty.
3. self-image.

strengths:
1. honesty.
2. bravery.
3. empathy.

the thing about depression is that life compensates for the lows with welcome and distinct lifts of the spirit, if you can just hold on for a few hours longer; realize that it is the disease, not you, that is responsible.

day 13 ۞ a letter to someone.


i’m not sure why you’ve decided that we can’t speak. if it’s because of who i was, the person you saw for the last three weeks wasn’t me, you should know that. if it’s because you’re embarrassed, the decisions were yours too. if you’ve made a habit of avoiding the past, then why do you still talk to pat? what i do know is that i dream of you. i obsess. just a few words would go a long way. part of me wishes that the memory of you was broken like that cup you gave me, or smashed like the car we drove so many miles in, or gone like the hundreds we spent on drugs, but wisdom has you tattooed on my chest in hopes of teaching me to shake my head and leave the next time a face like yours asks me “will you stay with me when you get off?”

i spend all of my free time doing the same things in repeat, with less and less success and constantly more confusion. like an anemic worm in a hardened shell, unable to break free from the trap of its own weakness. as i see it, the only way out is to continue with light steps along the strange and nonsensical way that i’ve chosen, and hope that the invisible weight of faith will tip the balance.