i have realized, after such a long time,
that i do miss you. riding to and from work with the windows down,
chain smoking, laughing, arguing,
feeding carrots and apples to the horses,
always staying at your place until your dad made me leave.
under a full moon, swimming naked in the lake.
touching every doorknob, simply to explore.

however, the truth is that
amy, you were nothing more than a companion,
what i really miss are
the endless pills, the potent green,
the tank full of gas
and a wide, heavy wallet.
no rules, and all consequences 
pushed out of mind.
this, an unturned card in the deck of my soul,
is the ugly reality, and one that i must frankly.. honestly digest.

it isn’t possible to have those feelings back,
either you or the rest. 

one month sober and counting.

another day, another light. another sad story and comfort for my head. another day. waiting. living, almost like it’s not.

the lovely purr of morning speed.

and again, the world revolves and my feet lose hold;
i’m alone, but it’s a freedom that i relish.
a new fork in the road.
then i’ll turn left,
over, awake for another number of days.
do we really all think alike? 

the deadliest enemy can often times seem like your closest friend.

you don’t know a vice until it’s yours.

i never write what i’ve done, but i delight in the moments so. whether it’s adderall, vicodin, xanex, hydrocodone, alchohol or weed, i pile them up every time and they make, for me, good nights.

i do miss adventure. i haven’t had much of that lately. soon, when i meet my friend, joe, we can go out and have a time to ourselves. that will make me happy to no end, aside from the drugs. even cocaine, for that matter, only makes you feel like you’re in love. there is a way to live this life. i’m pulling from every side. 

had some bud tonight that was so good. it took me back to the days in georgia.

dreams of chewing morphine gum, smoking spice and chasing drugs.

what do you say
when everything you love
is being taken away
and all you can see
is through the veil between
because time threatens to steal
and you seek a grasp in her eyes
as if something to love when she’s
gone and dead.